I was nervous about marriage counseling. I wasn't sure anyone or anything could fix where we were.
But I had this vision of our LDS marriage counselor telling Peter Pan he needed to go back to church and support his family and his wife. I had the visions of the things she would say to him and tell him to do to fix our marriage.
You can probably guess that none of those visions came true. Marriage counseling was nothing like what I expected. Although I was emotionally closed off in the beginning, the hurt would sometimes seep through and I would tell her all of the ways my heart was breaking for the marriage I thought I had and the marriage that really was. She listened and validated my feelings and helped me learn how to be ok with the changes that were taking place. We made plans for what I could and couldn't handle and how our marriage was going to be affected by raising our children with an LDS mother and an atheist father. It was 9 months of learning for me. It was 9 months of work for the both of us.
She taught Peter that he needed to be a more involved father and husband. She told him that every day after work, he should come home and think of one thing he could do for me before settling in for the night. Some days, he would do it and some days, he wouldn't but I felt like he was trying.
She asked Peter what standards were going to change with him not wanting to be LDS and also, she asked me what standards I could handle changing. He said things wouldn't change, other than the fact that he wouldn't be going to church with us. She asked about drinking, having sex with other women, doing drugs, etc. and he denied wanting to do any of that. I was relieved. I knew I could handle this and I prayed so hard for him to come back to church with us someday.
Church was hard with a 4 and 3 year old. It was hard feeling so alone. I held back tears often those first few months. Some people noticed I was husband-less at church, others would awkwardly ask where he was and when I'd tell them the truth, they would have nothing to say about it. It was a really hard time for me.
Christmas came and I begged Peter to join us for church because I would be singing in the program. He decided to come just for sacrament meeting and I was elated. I prayed so hard that he would feel something. For an emotionally closed off person, I cried through each song and felt the Spirit so strong. I asked him about it after the meeting and he seemed cold and distant, telling me he felt nothing. He gave me the children and walked out to drive home. I was heartbroken. I was trying so hard to help him find happiness and nothing was working.
On New Years that year, we got in one of the biggest fights to date. I was sure I was done. I couldn't handle the emotional abuse and I couldn't handle feeling so alone. Marriage is supposed to feel supportive, not lonely. Peter refused to spend the week with my family at our cabin so at 6am, I drove myself and our children through what felt like a blizzard up north to be with my family. Peter said he needed to work anyway. It was an emotional holiday because I felt like things were over. Things seemed to be getting worse than they were before we started marriage counseling and I was confused.
I stuck it out and we made it back to counseling the next week, where we talked through the holidays. Peter seemed attentive to what was being said and was in a good mood. He was a charmer. He told our counselor what she needed to hear and when we would get home, he would find ways to make me feel like this was all my fault so I was guilted into working hard by myself for our marriage. Peter is a manipulator. Often times, I would need him by my side while I cried and he would end up making me feel selfish for even having a broken heart over infertility or friendship problems.
It took me a while to realize I would need to do this on my own---and by that, I don't mean get a divorce. I had faith that Peter would eventually recognize his depression and come around so I decided I would give him what he needed from me and try my hardest to make life easier on him.
He would come home from work and I would allow him to go lay in bed while I fed the kids dinner and put them to bed. It was emotionally hard to feel like I was alone in my marriage once again but over time, I grew to love my life again.
I had faith that this was a phase. I knew I could help Peter become the man he had once been. I would see small glimpses of the man I married and that kept me going.
We "graduated" from marriage counseling in April of 2013 and I felt like things were going really well and that we would make it through this.
To continue on to Part 5, click here.
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