Results of "The Meeting"

Was it a small step?

It didn't feel like it. It felt big. It felt like one of the biggest steps towards my recovery.

We walked in with a game plan---set boundaries so everyone feels safe. It sounds simple but it felt so complicated in my mind.

They stared at me. Alice stared at me. For a while, I just stared back. I had no idea how to start any of this. But somehow, I did it. Somewhere among my jumbled up, nonsensical phrases came feelings and sentences that I had been trying to say.

And when I stumbled, Alice stepped in.

There were pros and cons, good feelings and bad feelings. I left feeling unsure but I'm trying to just have faith.

They did the exact opposite of what I was expecting. They wanted no boundaries, no check-in's, and they wanted to trust that I'll come to them if I need them.

This should feel good, right?

And yet, this is how I felt in high school---like they just didn't get the seriousness. I left feeling like maybe they didn't understand.

But I am trying to trust that they do. I'm trying to trust that this is them caring.

Although the meeting started out awkward and had a few other awkward moments, it was mostly good. I felt like my parents were listening to me. My mom told me I'm her hero. My dad apologized for thinking Pan was the one keeping our marriage together. My dad really thought that Pan was the one that saved me...would it be inappropriate to laugh right here? I got to say a lot of things that I've been feeling for months, some of them even years.

So there were pros, a lot of pros.

I guess I was just left feeling like, "That was it?". Nothing major happened. No major boundaries were set. And I'm trying to decide where that leaves me in recovery. I feel like I'm in this weird limbo of trying to get better but not having the resources. My counselor can't see me weekly until June 3rd and I am trying to do this on my own but it feels so overwhelming.

That's addiction for you. It takes over when you feel like you're in control. It causes you to hear things in your head that aren't really true. But you have the damndest time not believing them because they feel real.

I feel like what my head tells me is true. I look in the mirror and it feels true. I walk down the street and it feels true. I think about dating and it feels true.

Tonight, dinner at my parents' house was just weird---because it wasn't weird. Are you still with me? It was weird knowing my parents know something major is happening in my life and yet we can't talk about it because my sisters are all around and I have decided I don't feel good about telling them yet. They will freak out, that is for sure. And it was weird having food on my plate and thinking about what was probably in my parents' heads. Because obviously, I wasn't refusing to eat. I'm sure they thought about whether I'd keep the food down. I'm sure they wondered if I was overreacting about this "eating disorder" because I look fine and I'm eating and I'm overweight. My dad actually asked me in our meeting if anyone had given me an "eating disorder" diagnosis. Uhh...yeah? And even if the answer is no, I can assure you that is what this is. He also asked me some questions about weightloss that I felt weird about but I was probably reading into those questions a little bit too much.

I read into a lot of things way too much.

I'm feeling good tonight. Focusing on the truths I believe and trying to weed out the lies that I need to start defying.

I can do this. As much as my head tells me I'll never overcome this, I can defeat this.