Hello, God, it's me, Wendy

Church was hard today.

I woke up not wanting to go but I decided to go anyway and see if I could feel something. Anything. 

I've never really questioned God. Even as a rebellious teenager, I always had a testimony. So this feels weird, almost bad. I shouldn't be doubting. I shouldn't be losing faith.

I left church thinking that I probably won't go back for a while but I don't know why, nor do I know how. I am not this person. I am not really a questioner when it comes to my beliefs. Having a testimony has always been easy for me. In trials, I turn to God first. I bear my testimony when people want to listen. I help others get through their dark times when they are certain they can't feel God. 

And my visiting teaching partner invited me to go to the temple on Wednesday and all of a sudden, I'm nervous. Why the heck am I nervous? I was just at the temple a week ago and it was fine. 

I'm going through the motions because my emotions are so closed off right now. I'm sure that's why it's hard to feel God---because I'm just not really feeling anything right now. My brain is still in fight or flight mode and it's stuck somewhere in the middle. I'm not fighting and I'm not flighting---I'm just here.

And today, I'm just going to accept that. I'm going to accept that just being here is good enough. I don't know what my worth is and I don't know what I'm going to do tomorrow but today, I am here. I am breathing. My heart is beating. And I am here.