Ups and Downs of Recovery

I feel so stuck, so alone.
I know I'm not alone---I have daily reminders and people that keep me going---but sometimes it just feels this way. Sometimes it just feels so dark and bleak. Sometimes I don't believe I can keep going.

A friend described recovery as having many ups and downs. I'm trying to trust that. I'm trying not to be scared of myself and scared of recovery. I try to tell myself weight gain wouldn't be the worst thing in the world so if that's honestly what I'm afraid of, I should get over it---but I can't.

I can't get it out of my head that pornography won. Pornography took my marriage and my worth and ripped them to shreds. I can't make myself believe that Pan wouldn't have loved me any differently if I was skinny.
Because I feel like I'll love myself "when I'm skinny", I believe everyone else will love me more if I can just lose weight.
I'll have more worth if I'm skinny.
I'll be able to date again if I'm skinny.

I hate the way that I feel tonight. I hate that I am so overwhelmed with thoughts of being worthless and thoughts of pornography being in my home for years. How does one "not know"? I feel like I've stumbled upon this foreign world that I'm now a part of and as much as I love the people in my new world, I have so much heartache from this betrayal and I want it to go away.

Pan moved to California over the weekend. I feel like every little change in this divorce shows me just how real this is. I am really divorced. He really is an addict. I really survived six years of crazy addict behavior from him without questioning what choices he was making. He really is gone and he won't be back very often. I really am the sole caregiver for our children right now. His addictions really caused him to run away.

Really?

I hate reality tonight.
I hate feeling like I'm going to burst into tears at any moment.
I hate feeling like I'd just rather stay in bed than be around people.

This is not me. But I can't find me. Does that girl still exist?

I'm never going to be the same. There are painful memories that are now a part of my life and they can't be erased.

I know it can get better but it can never be how it used to be and that is overwhelmingly sad tonight.

I don't want to be alone. I don't want to hate myself. I seriously do not want to feel so weak and stupid.

I want to be the strong Wendy that everyone thinks I am. I want so badly to be her.

When my mom told me I was her hero on Saturday, it was hard to accept because I shouldn't be anyone's hero. I'm so broken and weak. I am over-bearing and loud. I am annoying and extremely sensitive. I'm trying to accept that people love me just the way I am but it's really hard when I don't see those awesome things about myself.

Tonight is just really hard.