First and foremost, I told my story over on A Wife Redeemed. I really appreciate you allowing me to do that, Shay. My heart skipped a beat when I realized the post was up. Be brave, Wendy. Be brave.
The other MAIN reason today has been beautiful has been directly related to my recovery.
Today I tried hard. I mapped out my safe foods and put each of them around a meal time and I've been doing good so far. Only a few times have I had to talk myself out of unhealthy habits.
I've been putting off this fight because I was afraid of it. I was afraid of weight gain and I was afraid I would feel more out of control again.
All morning, I've had visions of taking a hammer to my scale. Seriously. I haven't been brave enough to do it because I still plan on losing weight (I really am overweight and being a healthier me would include some more weightloss---in a HEALTHY way) and I cannot fathom not having my scale.
But I ate breakfast and lunch. They were very small meals but they felt ok. I wasn't afraid. I didn't panic. I wanted so badly to fight. And I did it.
He apologized over and over for ruining our family. He thanked me for everything I've done for our kids these past 9 months. He apologized for hurting me so badly. He explained how the pornography addiction had gotten bad and how the drinking was to mask the pain he felt for doing this to our family. It was the old Peter. It was the Peter I married. I hope he makes a complete comeback because that guy can do great things in life.
It was a good talk but it left me realizing that my marriage really did end because of pornography. I really am a WoPA or maybe we should say EWoPA. I was kind of in disbelief. I knew he had admitted to it being a problem but it was really bad enough that shame caused him to walk out on his family? I can't imagine that feeling and I was proud of Peter for his bravery last night. It couldn't have been easy to talk to me and apologize like that.
Addictions ruin lives and the more secretive they are, the more they can eat at your soul.
I was glad I asked Peter about a pornography addiction two weeks ago. I can see how much that helped him. He is still on the fence about help but I can tell he feels a little bit lighter. His depression was taking over him because of a secret that was so shameful.
I know how he feels. I've been there. I've had shameful secrets that I thought I would rather take to my grave than talk about.
But talking helps. Honesty helps.
So today, I fought for our family. I fought my addiction because I want to be stronger.
Parts of it were easy and parts of it have been really hard. Night will be worse. Nights are always worse. But I'm going to try hard today.
Recovery looks possible today.
Something still doesn't sound right. He deleted his messages from his iPhone? Looking at porn doesn't have anything to do with messages, right? Was he covering his tracks from communicating with someone else? And I've never heard of someone leave their family over a porn addiction. Sure, it can be really shameful and addicting, but him initiating divorce over that seem unusual. I'm sorry if this is painful to consider - but was there another woman?
ReplyDeleteOh trust me, I've considered it. Over and under and backwards, I've considered it. But I have to trust my gut and my gut tells me he isn't lying about that part. If there comes a day where my gut sends me signals otherwise, maybe I'd talk to him about it. But at this point, we are divorced. He could have 20 other women and it wouldn't make a difference. He used to cover his tracks for communicating with a friend that I didnt like because they would drink together so actually, deleting the messages still makes sense for his porn addiction. And the shame he felt mixed with pride after he was caught lying about being work make sense for reasons he left us. It adds up in my head---today. :)
DeleteSeriously Ben? Are you SERIOUSLY asking that?
DeleteBen, this isn't a place to question people. It's a place for people to find healing by expressing their feelings and emotions. As a recovering addict, I can tell you all about the overwhelming temptations I've had to leave my wife and live my addiction. We're also friends with someone who did leave his wife and 6 kids over his porn addiction. No other woman needed.
DeleteBen what causes sex addiction? Why is it destructive? Curious about your take on it.
ReplyDelete