Nerves

I know I have already written today but I can't NOT write these things down.

Today is the day. After my confession to my parents on Tuesday night, I am having a meeting with them tonight---in two hours.

Two hours.

My heart beats faster every time I look at the clock and realize it is that much closer to the time where I will sit down and talk with them about my boundaries and their boundaries with this whole eating disorder mess.

Alice will be there. I need her there. I'm so nervous about this whole thing. I couldn't have done any of it without her.

I'm nervous about boundaries. I'm nervous that they will try and hover. I'm also nervous I won't be able to accept reasonable boundaries because I've had such a hard time letting them in to these parts of my life. I think that's one of the main reasons Alice is coming. I need her to tell me what I'm being unreasonable about and what is actually them asking too much.

So my chest is tight. My heart is racing. I feel sick to my stomach.

But I'm doing this. I'm doing this hard thing because I've made it through many other hard things and my track record so far is pretty good.

I'm doing this because I need to be stronger.

I'm doing this because I love my family and I do really want them in my life.

I'm doing this because I want to kick my eating disorder in the stomach and say, "Screw you!" I want my inner voice to be louder than ed's voice. I want to listen to truths instead of lies.

So I'm doing this.

But in the meantime, say a prayer that my nerves will calm the frick down.