Go ahead and judge me

^^^this^^^

I'm a worrier and one of the biggest things I worry about is how people judge me.

They probably think I'm stupid for choosing an eating disorder as a coping mechanism.
They probably see my flaws and it suddenly makes sense why Peter left me.

I could go on and on with the worries I worry each and every day when I step outside my home. These thoughts consume me a lot of the time. They are constantly bombarding my brain with signals of failure and defeat and unworthiness.

On Sunday, Peter yelled at me, which is something he doesn't do often now that we are divorced. I told him I didn't trust him regarding a specific topic and he said, "You see, this is why I left you! You are crazy and manipulative and you have never trusted me." My first retort was, "I wonder why the hell I don't trust you, Peter! I freaking wonder!" but as I stood there and shook, trying so desperately to hold the phone steady and BE STRONG, I decided there was one thing Peter needed to hear from me before I hung up that phone so I said, "Peter, I would be happy to have this conversation again when your brain is healthy." and as he yelled and belittled, I hung up the phone. I hung up the phone and I shook for a while and I cried and tried to tell myself I was better than Peter thought I was. It was hard to believe but I tried. I need to overcome this fear that I have that I was never good enough for Peter. I need to be a stronger me.
Yesterday, my mother talked about how her friend wants me to teach classes to women in their stake who struggle with addiction or are teenage mothers who've given their children up for adoption. I was floored mostly because I WANT SO BADLY TO DO THAT but I feel so incapable right now. Don't I have to be perfect to help others?
I feel like I have so much knowledge and love to give to the world and my dream is to conquer my fear of public speaking and be someone who can reach thousands of people and make a difference but I need to get myself healthy first. And then I need to check my sanity because public speaking is SO not my thing. Remember how I deal with anxiety?
But the top priorities on my list aren't conquering my public speaking and changing the world. My top priorities include fighting my damn eating disorder and working through my anger toward the world.
I think about inpatient therapy a lot. Like a lot, a lot. And I don't want to go. I seriously do not want to leave my babies in the hands of their father and/or my parents and/or Peter's parents for a period of time but right now, this all feels so above my control. I guess that's the thing about addiction. I had no idea what this felt like, to be so out of my own control that I often make decisions that I am certain I won't make again. If you know what this feels like, I am so sorry. It isn't fun and it isn't living.
I want to live again. I want to feel like the old Wendy but with my new knowledge and strength. A few days ago, I couldn't even see this as a possibility so I feel like I've made a teensy bit of progress.

Today was a better day than any other day I've had in the past week. Although I'm still self-conscious and I still have an eating disorder and I still have this belief that my overweight body is what caused him to look at pornography, I saw a bit of hope today. I redecorated a room in my house and it was the first thing I've really done this week just for me. It benefitted no one else and I was happy that I have something to look at that is just mine.

Baby steps, Wendy. You can get back to where you want to be. You can do this.