God is Real

I felt like I was sinking further than I've ever sunk before. Because I was no longer loving and I was no longer carefully considering the way others would feel.
And it was a low point---truly the lowest point I've felt in a long time.

Last night's post coincides with today's post because that wasn't the ending. I wrote that earlier in the evening. But I continued to feel broken and selfish and horrible about this person that I am.
Wonderful? That couldn't be a description of this person I was seeing in the mirror.
But I am wonderful. I am selfless. I truly do care about other people. I see it when I'm not loathing myself for all of the horrible decisions I make. I even believe it when I'm in a clear state of mind.
Satan has taken over. He has set up shop in my heart and I allowed him to. I allowed his presence to overcome my peace.

Last night, I was apologizing over and over for the wrong choices I have made but the most important thing is that I figure out the right choices and start utilizing them in my life.

I tried. In my mind, things were going to change. I went into the kitchen to put away the food I had bought at the grocery store hours prior and I just melted. I was feeling more broken and horrible than ever before. I layed down on that kitchen floor and cried. I cried for myself. I cried for the people I hurt. I cried for my children.
I cried harder when I replayed a text conversation where a friend told me she needed me. Someone needed me. Someone thought I was wonderful and selfless and caring. Someone wanted me here.
And by some miracle, a little head poked around the corner and looked at my tear-streaked face. Those hazel eyes stared at mine and then he walked away. I was confused.
Why was my little boy out of bed? And why did he see me crying and just walk away? Odd...

But without another second to think, that little red head came back around the corner, this time with two pillows and a blanket. He lifted my head up and placed a pillow underneath and then he layed down beside me and pulled the blanket over both of us. And he said to me, "Mom, I'm just going to lay here with you until you feel better." and we layed there and I cried and he wrapped his arm around my neck.
A four year old boy was prompted to do what God knew I needed last night. A tiny four year old boy.

I felt God's love last night. I felt his presence and I felt like He would be able to help me overcome this trial in my life. I can do this with Him. I can do it with the people He has placed in my life to give me strength.

What a beautiful ending to a horrible day. I am grateful to be a mother and I'm also grateful to be a child of God.

God is real.