"The Talk"

I knew this day was quickly approaching. 

In fact, I had been planning a date night with my daughter to discuss puberty and intimacy with her.

And then yesterday she came home from school and asked, "Mom, what does rape mean?"

{Damn. It. All. To. Heck.}

So instead of pushing it to a few weeks from now at some fancy restaurant like I had planned, I sat down with her and laid it all out.

And it turned out better than I had ever planned it in my mind. Because I think laying on my bed and having a deep discussion with no distractions was the best way to do it.

So thank you {except really NO thank you} to the child at school who tried to teach my daughter what rape is. damnhell 

I went to bed last night feeling really good. We had spent our afternoon cleaning and then making dinner as a family and ended with "the big scary talk" that ended up being not scary at all!

And when my daughter woke me up this morning, the very first thing she said to me was, "Hey, mom, thank you for talking with me last night. I love you." and then she skipped away to get ready for school.

I mean, wow. 

She's pretty much the best.

And I'm feeling like I can conquer the world today.

So happy Tuesday, friends! 

September

I feel lost inside a forest, thick with trees. I can't see which direction I should be going but all around me, I heard taunting and laughing.

You can't do this. 
You will never make it. 
You are a horrible person for trying. 
And you will not win this battle. 
You cannot control this outcome. 

And in a way, those voices are right.

I cannot control this outcome. 

I don't get to make decisions based on what is best for my family. I have to fight for those decisions. I have to be brave and get out of bed on the days where my anxiety feels as though it is strangling me.

And maybe I look like a horrible person for trying to fight for my family.

Divorce has a way of doing that. 

It takes something done out of love and twists it into an ugly battle of "who will win" and not "what is best for the children".

I hate that about divorce. I hate that the easy decisions are made into difficult decisions.

Because...pride. 

And because when we haven't truly forgiven our ex-spouse and/or moved on and healed, trying to hurt them seems like second nature.

Divorce hasn't cleared away all of the beauty but it certainly has blackened a lot of things that used to be full of color.

Things as simple as birthday parties, work events, dance rehearsals, soccer games, vacations, school breaks, etc. are no longer easy. Because depending on the weekend they fall, the children might miss out on certain events. And even if they don't miss out, it takes extra scheduling and compromising to try and get everything to work out.

I was told this past weekend that my children are doing "family costumes" for Halloween this year---except that I am not a part of it.
They are participating in something labeled "family" that I am not also participating in.

I cried myself to sleep when they told me this. 
Because it is hard. So, so hard. 

Because when they go to their dad's house, they look like a more complete family.

And it just feels like a punch in my stomach. 

I've worked so hard to move on from my divorce. I thought it would all be uphill from here. (ha!) 

But then I felt like a bomb was dropped on me when my ex-husband told me he was remarrying. And maybe their marriage wouldn't be so hard for me if it hadn't come with such a huge onset of changes---filing for a new custody arrangement to include his new wife, my kids getting used to living with another adult, becoming extremely protective of her disciplining them, the Halloween costumes, requesting to change how we do holidays, etc.

It. Is. Too. Much. 

And I wish that my feelings and my children's feelings were factored into all of this but they aren't.

I feel like I'm trying to grasp this possible new reality and I don't know how to handle it. I don't know how to NOT lose my mind. I don't know how to let go a little bit and let someone new be a parent to my children.

I envisioned this all much differently than it has happened. I planned on having a good relationship with my children's step-mom. It looked so different in my mind.

It looked a lot easier in my mind. 

But the past four months have been anything BUT easy.
I spend a lot of nights crying. I have closed myself off. When I try and calendar our kids' schedules and the immediate response is, "Let me check with Lily and see if that works for us", my heart stings with an ache that is so hard to explain.

Us.

That used to have a different meaning.

I used to be included in 'us'. 

And now I feel like they are building a family without me. I feel left out and hurt. I feel like my feelings aren't taken into consideration.

If only I could cry out and say, "I am not trying to be a crazy ex-wife! I just want what is best for our kids. If you could just take a second and look at it from my point of view. I carried these children and birthed them and got up in the middle of the night with them. I took them to their first activities and play dates. I stayed home with them for years. I was there to explain divorce to them. I let them scream at me when they didn't understand it all. And over the past four years, I have been the constant in their lives. I have never missed a dance recital, school activity, or parent-teacher conference. When they get sick, I take off work. When they need someone to talk to, I drop everything. I have poured my heart and soul into these children."

Because if they could try and understand it from my point of view, maybe they wouldn't be trying to change custody. Maybe they would realize how much damage was done four years ago and how hard I've worked to pick up those pieces and create a stable life for our children.

And maybe someday, they will. Maybe someday, I will look back at how hard this was and be grateful that it got easier and that the relationships got better.

But for now, I only have two goals: Be the best mom I can be for our children and keep my head above water.

Peter Got Married---I Got A Lawyer

I went private for months.
I shut this down because I wanted to erase all of the things I've ever written.

I wanted another fresh start.

And I tried to walk away.

When Peter started dating Tiger Lily, I lost myself. I tried to imagine life with her in it. Permanently. And then on Easter, he asked her to marry him with the help of our children.

And I stayed afloat for the kids but inside, I was dying.

I was asked to write a letter to the First Presidency for his temple clearance and got physically ill. And then I sat down every night for two weeks and wrote. Eventually I finished it and sent it to Peter's bishop.

And I thought that would be the hardest thing I'd do this whole year.

But 2017 has decided to be a bitch and slap me across the face a few more times.

And right before Peter got married, I was served papers stating that he was fighting for 50/50 custody because his new wife could help him raise our kids. His new wife. Peter has a new wife. And now they want to take my kids 50% of the time after I've poured myself into raising them full time while he did whatever the hell he's wanted for four years. So now that he's "settled down", he has time for them?

Needless to say, this summer has been hell.

I've tortured myself with "what if's" every single day. I've gone back on anxiety medication because I can hardly withstand the anxiety attacks that have ensued.

I've been present more with my kids, not knowing how much time I have left to be their full time momma.

And I hired a lawyer.

I know 50/50 custody isn't the worst thing in the entire world. I know life will go on if this happens. I understand there are harder things than this.

But for me, this is devastating---not only because Peter has been so uninvolved and apathetic toward our children in the past but because I have poured myself into them so much.

Motherhood is the best part of my life. The very best part. And I am so incredibly close to my kids.

And because of that, I just cannot imagine only seeing them every other week of their lives.

Please pray for our family. 

Please.

Parenting Alone

I never thought our divorced relationship would be this way.

I always envision us working together for the good of our family, striving to do what is best for the kids.

But this is nothing like that vision in my head.

I ask Peter to help out extra days or nights and most of the time, he's "too busy". He currently sees the kids 5 days a month and he is too busy to take any extra time with them.

Having his girlfriend around has only aggravated this problem. He chooses her over the kids constantly. He ignores them for long periods of time but then when he wants to pay attention to them, they run straight back into his arms because he is their dad and they want his approval.

But from the outside looking in, it's hard on me to just sit back and watch as he manipulates them left and right. It's hard to see how hard they take it when he doesn't show up and how happy they get when it's finally time to see him again.

It's one of the worst things to witness as a mother because their emotions are being played with constantly.

I resent Peter for the time he spends away from them. I resent him when he says he can't help me tag team a Saturday where one kid has dance and the other has a basketball game at the exact same time.

When I chose to become a parent, I did not sign up to do it alone. But here I am, doing it alone most of the time.

I'm so angry with Peter. So, so angry. And I just needed to get that out tonight.

Going Back

I haven’t talked about this for a really long time on here.

How the LDS church was my home growing up. How that changed after my divorce. How I went through a period of confusion and eventually left last year.

And now.

How I spoke to God and He told me it’s time to go back.

That was three weeks ago. And since then, my life has changed so much.

I changed how I dress.

I took out my nose ring and my extra earrings.

I poured out the bottle of alcohol that had been sitting in my fridge for months.

I had a few meetings with my bishop.

My daughter set a date to be baptized in just TWO short weeks (she’s 8 and a half).

And my bishop told me he wants to see me this Sunday for a temple recommend interview.

Before that appointment, I was having a hard time deciphering what I wanted and how quickly I wanted to make these changes but deep down, I knew.

Because when he told me we should set a goal of getting a temple recommend for the new year, I immediately began to cry happy tears.

And as I was looking back on the last few weeks, something hit me pretty strongly that this was all for a purpose and that the timing is exactly what it should’ve been.

I had struggled with the new bishop that was called to preside over our ward last summer. He wasn’t the reason I left but I was really struggling to have faith and trust in him.

Well ironically enough, the week before God told me to go back, our ward was split and that bishop no longer presided over my area.

And this new bishop that they’ve called is gentle and sensitive. He seems so REAL and genuine. I felt really comfortable talking to him about this past year and everything I’ve been through. 

But mixed in with the peace I feel are serious bouts of anxiety.
Because I had reasons for leaving. 
Reasons that doubted the existence of the Priesthood.
Reasons based on my childhood in the church and some unfortunate experiences.
Reasons that have felt very valid for me.

And I was happy attending my new non-denominational Christian church.
So happy.
I had met amazing people, learned new things about Christianity, and enjoyed worshiping each Sunday.

And then I thought back to my breaking point---the point where I tried so hard to hold on to everything I had known and believed before I couldn't hold on any longer.
Because the last time I was a devout member of the church was before an entirely huge d-day that had me so angry at God for a very long time.
And although I didn't leave the church right away and I didn't leave as a direct result of those events, that breaking point spiraled a lot of doubts and feelings inside of me about the type of person I want to be and the type of God I wanted to believe in.

I have healed so much from that heartache but it still comes back sometimes. 

Three weeks ago, it came back full force when having a conversation with my daughter.
Because when I say that I'm not fully healed, it is because my children aren't fully healed. It is because I experienced the trauma not only as a friend but as a mother.

And I have never really talked about that or worked through it because I was so busy dealing with all of the outside heartache.
For me, speaking about the things my kids have gone through is so deeply personal to me that I keep those things in my physical journals. And they are things only their father and I know. And they are heartbreaking and hard to deal with as a parent.

And I don't quite know why I equate my religious affiliations with those horrible memories but right now, that's kind of what's been happening.
Because I don't want to turn back into who I was back then.
And I'm trying so hard to change that.
I'm trying so hard not to go back to that place I was once in because the truth is, God didn't do any of this to my family. He is not the reason bad things have happened.

If anything, He is the ONLY reason I am able to get out of bed each day. 

These are big changes and they're going to take me some time to get myself adjusted.

The majority of my feelings have been peaceful, even though it probably doesn't sound that way.
My doubts and anxieties are small but because they exist, I am working on keeping them small so they don't grow.

I have faith that God gave me this answer and that this is the next step in my life.

I'm scared.
But feeling positive. 

The Other Woman

I spent Thanksgiving without my kids this year. It went better than most of the other holidays I've spent without my kids and I'd like to think that means I'm healing and getting more used to sharing my children part of the time.

It felt good until my kids got home and my daughter said, "We got to spend Thanksgiving with dad's new girlfriend! She's the best! I love her so much. She says she will paint my nails and do my hair. She is my best friend."

In that moment, it felt anything but good. 

I could barely catch my breath. 

Wait a minute, Peter has a serious girlfriend and she spent a five day holiday weekend with my kids?

It felt like the world was spinning around me but I wasn't able to move or speak or even blink my eyes. I tried so hard not to lose it in front of them.

But it's been six days since then and I've lost it every night. I've cried myself to sleep every single night. I've had panic attacks every single day.

It's hard to even explain my reasoning for reacting this way. 

Peter said he hated being married and I always expected him not to get into another relationship, at least not for a very long time.
I was the one who wanted to date right away. I was the one who still believed in relationships and marriage.
And now Peter gets to have that. Peter has 26 nights a month that he could spend with his girlfriend but he is choosing to spend the ONLY 4 nights a month that he has our kids with his girlfriend too.
You'd think that'd be a good thing but last night, the kids told me that they had to go in the basement and watch movies so dad could have alone time with his girlfriend.

And then there's my eating disorder. I'm an overeating, purging mess over here because I'm just not handling this news well at all.
My thoughts turned to, "Is she skinnier and more beautiful than me? Did he find someone with a model-like body that hasn't been covered in stretch marks from pregnancy?" 

Today I met her. 
I was only given six days of knowing he had a girlfriend before I met her.
Because she was at my daughter's dance recital tonight.
And while there, my son ignored me and snuggled on her lap. My boy. My cuddly, momma's boy. He refused to sit with anybody besides her.
And while there, my daughter gave her a short hug and she said, "Really, that's all I get is a one-handed hug? I feel so unloved!" in a joking voice that grated on my last nerve because she's known my daughter for like four days now.

And I should be happy that my kids love her. But it hurts so much right now. 

It hurts so much. 

I want to write it all down, all of the pain and sadness I'm feeling, but honestly, I don't have the energy because it's all being used just to function these days.

All I can think about is how they're together and I'm here all alone, struggling to find worth within myself and raising two children who are beautiful and hard and amazing and active.

And because he only has to be their dad 4 days a month, he gets to date and have time for another adult and have physical and emotional connection.

It really, truly hurts. 

And I'm just not dealing with it well. 

It hurts that he can treat me as horribly as he does while treating another woman like she's the most important person in the world.

That used to be me. I used to be the most important person in the world to him. I used to be the one who would lay on his shoulder while we would listen to music late at night on the couch. I used to be his everything.

And although I don't want him back, it tears my heart to know that he---the man who left our family and hurt all of us so much---gets to have the very thing I've wanted for a long time.

I'm so angry that he is in a relationship and that I'm not. I'm so angry that he gets to ignore his kids the majority of the time but then they prefer him over me if we're all together. I'm so angry that my kids think she might be "their new mom".

He's already taken so much from me. He has already ruined so much. 

WHY is this even happening the way that it is? Am I really that horrible of a person that I cannot find a boyfriend? Am I really that horrible of a mother that my kids prefer their dad, the guy who is emotionally abusive to them, over me?

It all just feels like too much right now, like I'm never going to get past this phase of heartache.

It Hurts

*******************

The majority of the reactions included:

It was bound to happen eventually.

Good for him. He’s moving on.

You had to know this was going to happen.

So why are you acting so upset?

******************

They say it shouldn’t hurt because it isn’t happening to them, because the person they loved for 8 years wasn’t now in a relationship with another woman.

They say it shouldn’t hurt because they didn’t feel the hurt I felt when he walked away.

They say it shouldn’t hurt because they haven’t gone three years fighting extremely lonely thoughts and struggling to learn how to find a relationship worth trusting and then finding out that he gets to have the very thing they have wanted.

They say it shouldn’t hurt because they don’t see the day-to-day life of ‘single mom pouring her life into her children’ while he has 25 days a month to be a bachelor.

They say it shouldn’t hurt---but they are wrong.

Because it should hurt and it does.

I didn’t know how I would react when this eventually happened. Honestly, I think I figured it would be me in a relationship first so I wouldn’t react as poorly as I have.

My daughter got in the car on Sunday and almost immediately stated, “Guess what? We might be getting a new mom because I saw dad kissing a girl out on the front porch.”

And I should’ve handled it better. The tears that started pouring down my face surprised even me. And then my sweet baby girl felt like she had done something wrong. And I felt like a complete mom-failure. I should’ve been able to keep it together for her sake.

But. It. Just. Felt. So. Horrible.

So. Horrible.

So shockingly, devastatingly, painfully horrible.

And all of my feelings of loneliness were intensified.

I can usually keep them together but not this week.

This week, the tears seem to pour out of the corners of my eyes with the tiniest little thing.

And although yesterday was horrible because I was extremely sick and threw up 7 effing times, I think I needed that day in my bed, to hide from life a little bit. Because now that I’m back living life again today, I’m trying to deal with it a little better.

And it is extremely difficult.

And really, that is all I have today. Because my beautiful life is clouded right now by some really shitty feelings.