Going Back

I haven’t talked about this for a really long time on here.

How the LDS church was my home growing up. How that changed after my divorce. How I went through a period of confusion and eventually left last year.

And now.

How I spoke to God and He told me it’s time to go back.

That was three weeks ago. And since then, my life has changed so much.

I changed how I dress.

I took out my nose ring and my extra earrings.

I poured out the bottle of alcohol that had been sitting in my fridge for months.

I had a few meetings with my bishop.

My daughter set a date to be baptized in just TWO short weeks (she’s 8 and a half).

And my bishop told me he wants to see me this Sunday for a temple recommend interview.

Before that appointment, I was having a hard time deciphering what I wanted and how quickly I wanted to make these changes but deep down, I knew.

Because when he told me we should set a goal of getting a temple recommend for the new year, I immediately began to cry happy tears.

And as I was looking back on the last few weeks, something hit me pretty strongly that this was all for a purpose and that the timing is exactly what it should’ve been.

I had struggled with the new bishop that was called to preside over our ward last summer. He wasn’t the reason I left but I was really struggling to have faith and trust in him.

Well ironically enough, the week before God told me to go back, our ward was split and that bishop no longer presided over my area.

And this new bishop that they’ve called is gentle and sensitive. He seems so REAL and genuine. I felt really comfortable talking to him about this past year and everything I’ve been through. 

But mixed in with the peace I feel are serious bouts of anxiety.
Because I had reasons for leaving. 
Reasons that doubted the existence of the Priesthood.
Reasons based on my childhood in the church and some unfortunate experiences.
Reasons that have felt very valid for me.

And I was happy attending my new non-denominational Christian church.
So happy.
I had met amazing people, learned new things about Christianity, and enjoyed worshiping each Sunday.

And then I thought back to my breaking point---the point where I tried so hard to hold on to everything I had known and believed before I couldn't hold on any longer.
Because the last time I was a devout member of the church was before an entirely huge d-day that had me so angry at God for a very long time.
And although I didn't leave the church right away and I didn't leave as a direct result of those events, that breaking point spiraled a lot of doubts and feelings inside of me about the type of person I want to be and the type of God I wanted to believe in.

I have healed so much from that heartache but it still comes back sometimes. 

Three weeks ago, it came back full force when having a conversation with my daughter.
Because when I say that I'm not fully healed, it is because my children aren't fully healed. It is because I experienced the trauma not only as a friend but as a mother.

And I have never really talked about that or worked through it because I was so busy dealing with all of the outside heartache.
For me, speaking about the things my kids have gone through is so deeply personal to me that I keep those things in my physical journals. And they are things only their father and I know. And they are heartbreaking and hard to deal with as a parent.

And I don't quite know why I equate my religious affiliations with those horrible memories but right now, that's kind of what's been happening.
Because I don't want to turn back into who I was back then.
And I'm trying so hard to change that.
I'm trying so hard not to go back to that place I was once in because the truth is, God didn't do any of this to my family. He is not the reason bad things have happened.

If anything, He is the ONLY reason I am able to get out of bed each day. 

These are big changes and they're going to take me some time to get myself adjusted.

The majority of my feelings have been peaceful, even though it probably doesn't sound that way.
My doubts and anxieties are small but because they exist, I am working on keeping them small so they don't grow.

I have faith that God gave me this answer and that this is the next step in my life.

I'm scared.
But feeling positive.