I Hate Him

My lawyer sent a settlement offer to Peter's lawyer.

Trial had been set for January 3rd of this next year and I told my lawyer I wanted to avoid that if we can.

Because why would any of us waste our time on trial when the mediator's report clearly stated that Peter's work schedule would not allow him to have 50/50 custody?!

Doesn't he understand how this was just a colossal waste of time and money for both of us?

I think he does. But I think he also believes he will somehow get more custody and that will lower his child support---therefore 'saving' him money.

I hate that this is all about money for him.

Oh how I wish he would just move on and try to create a more positive life with his new wife.

*************

Today we received the counter proposal back from his lawyer's office. And instead of there being a compromise, he changed MORE and it was worse than the first proposal sent to me in June of this year.

I hate him today.

I hate him so much.

And I feel frozen with anxiety at the thought of him raising our children more and picking them up from school.

They don't want that. They absolutely do not want that!

If he wins, I feel like our future will be ruined.

And because I don't agree with his counter proposal, we will go to trial. And after I've spent $5,000 on lawyer fees as a single mom working two jobs, I will have to find another $5,000 or more for trial.

Merry effin' Christmas. 

And I'm scared. I'm so, so scared. I can't stop crying and my whole body is numb.

I don't know how to deal with all of this today. I don't know how this is supposed to resolve.

I hate Peter so much. And I hate his new wife.

And I just want to raise my children and love them and care for them.

Next Right Step

I spoke in church a few weeks ago. 

They didn't give me much direction so I gave them my life story. 

I didn't tell them about addiction but I told them about divorce.

I didn't tell them about the custody battle but I did tell them that I struggle to attend church because I feel like our family is broken.


My testimony still goes between "this is exactly where I'm supposed to be" and "I never want to step foot in this place again".

Someone please tell me that's normal. 


I believe the church needs my messy self in it. I truly do. Even when I don't feel like I fit in, or maybe especially when I feel like I don't fit in, I feel like I'm doing the right thing.

The church is full of messy people. 

I see it so much more now than I ever did growing up.

There is so much more grey than I ever used to think there was.

But I think grey is what makes us, us.

If everything was black and white, it'd probably look more like Satan's plan.

But because we get to choose for ourselves and because God made us individuals with different views and opinions, our world is full of grey.

I like that thought. I really do. 

I like the grey. Because it makes us unique.

And I like being unique because it makes me feel more needed on earth---like my specific personality and opinions and ideas are helpful to others on this earth.

I think that's why I take it so hard when my people get hurt---and even harder when I feel responsible for that hurt.

It is pretty important to me that I'm helpful, that I'm looking for ways to help others feel good about themselves. In fact, that very last phrase is in my patriarchal blessing.

It is a testament to how well my Heavenly Father knows me. He knows I am capable of lifting others and that lifting others helps me lift myself too.

So even though I'm a messy person and I sometimes want to run away, I am not going to.

I am not going anywhere. 

I have been active in the LDS church for a YEAR now. An entire year! 

My prayers were answered a week after Thanksgiving in 2016. 

Because last Thanksgiving, after hearing about my kids spending the holiday with (in my daughter's words) "their possible new mom", I completely broke. And I cried for days and allowed myself to sink so low.

And it was at this low point that I was finally able to listen and hear what God was saying. I went to Him with absolute humility {and a dash of anger} and told Him I would do anything and be anything and say anything---I just needed Him to tell me what the next right step was. 

This past year, I've lived by that "next right step" rule and it has gotten me through some of the ugliest moments of 2017.

And I'm realizing there are always going to be ugly moments. 

But if I keep my focus on my Heavenly Father, I will never fall short of that next right step.

Don't. Give. Up.

I tried to compromise.

I tried to give up more than I was willing so that this would just be over.

I want it to stop---and I do not want to go to trial.

But my compromises weren't good enough because Peter only wanted 50/50. There was nothing else I could offer that he would agree to.

Even when the mediator told him that 50/50 was not possible with his work schedule. Even when she tried to show him that he was being unreasonable.

He would not back down.

And now we are going to trial.

Four years after divorce, I am now headed into a court battle for the very first time.

I wish he cared about how much this hurts everyone involved. Everyone. Including himself.
It hurts all of our relationships because trial means we dig into each other's lives.

I wish I could just talk to him but, you know, lawyers are the ones who talk when you're this far into a custody battle.

I wish I could protect our kids and I wish that what they want mattered in all of this.

2017---I hate you. 
I hate you like I did 2013 and 2015.
Except I really don't hate you. 
Because if I erased this one piece---their marriage and the request to change custody---everything else has been beautiful.

But that one little thing has bled into so many other things---my plans to continue foster care, the children's extracurricular activities, school, etc.

That one little thing isn't quite so little. 

No.

In fact, today it feels quite big. 

"The Talk"

I knew this day was quickly approaching. 

In fact, I had been planning a date night with my daughter to discuss puberty and intimacy with her.

And then yesterday she came home from school and asked, "Mom, what does rape mean?"

{Damn. It. All. To. Heck.}

So instead of pushing it to a few weeks from now at some fancy restaurant like I had planned, I sat down with her and laid it all out.

And it turned out better than I had ever planned it in my mind. Because I think laying on my bed and having a deep discussion with no distractions was the best way to do it.

So thank you {except really NO thank you} to the child at school who tried to teach my daughter what rape is. damnhell 

I went to bed last night feeling really good. We had spent our afternoon cleaning and then making dinner as a family and ended with "the big scary talk" that ended up being not scary at all!

And when my daughter woke me up this morning, the very first thing she said to me was, "Hey, mom, thank you for talking with me last night. I love you." and then she skipped away to get ready for school.

I mean, wow. 

She's pretty much the best.

And I'm feeling like I can conquer the world today.

So happy Tuesday, friends! 

September

I feel lost inside a forest, thick with trees. I can't see which direction I should be going but all around me, I heard taunting and laughing.

You can't do this. 
You will never make it. 
You are a horrible person for trying. 
And you will not win this battle. 
You cannot control this outcome. 

And in a way, those voices are right.

I cannot control this outcome. 

I don't get to make decisions based on what is best for my family. I have to fight for those decisions. I have to be brave and get out of bed on the days where my anxiety feels as though it is strangling me.

And maybe I look like a horrible person for trying to fight for my family.

Divorce has a way of doing that. 

It takes something done out of love and twists it into an ugly battle of "who will win" and not "what is best for the children".

I hate that about divorce. I hate that the easy decisions are made into difficult decisions.

Because...pride. 

And because when we haven't truly forgiven our ex-spouse and/or moved on and healed, trying to hurt them seems like second nature.

Divorce hasn't cleared away all of the beauty but it certainly has blackened a lot of things that used to be full of color.

Things as simple as birthday parties, work events, dance rehearsals, soccer games, vacations, school breaks, etc. are no longer easy. Because depending on the weekend they fall, the children might miss out on certain events. And even if they don't miss out, it takes extra scheduling and compromising to try and get everything to work out.

I was told this past weekend that my children are doing "family costumes" for Halloween this year---except that I am not a part of it.
They are participating in something labeled "family" that I am not also participating in.

I cried myself to sleep when they told me this. 
Because it is hard. So, so hard. 

Because when they go to their dad's house, they look like a more complete family.

And it just feels like a punch in my stomach. 

I've worked so hard to move on from my divorce. I thought it would all be uphill from here. (ha!) 

But then I felt like a bomb was dropped on me when my ex-husband told me he was remarrying. And maybe their marriage wouldn't be so hard for me if it hadn't come with such a huge onset of changes---filing for a new custody arrangement to include his new wife, my kids getting used to living with another adult, becoming extremely protective of her disciplining them, the Halloween costumes, requesting to change how we do holidays, etc.

It. Is. Too. Much. 

And I wish that my feelings and my children's feelings were factored into all of this but they aren't.

I feel like I'm trying to grasp this possible new reality and I don't know how to handle it. I don't know how to NOT lose my mind. I don't know how to let go a little bit and let someone new be a parent to my children.

I envisioned this all much differently than it has happened. I planned on having a good relationship with my children's step-mom. It looked so different in my mind.

It looked a lot easier in my mind. 

But the past four months have been anything BUT easy.
I spend a lot of nights crying. I have closed myself off. When I try and calendar our kids' schedules and the immediate response is, "Let me check with Lily and see if that works for us", my heart stings with an ache that is so hard to explain.

Us.

That used to have a different meaning.

I used to be included in 'us'. 

And now I feel like they are building a family without me. I feel left out and hurt. I feel like my feelings aren't taken into consideration.

If only I could cry out and say, "I am not trying to be a crazy ex-wife! I just want what is best for our kids. If you could just take a second and look at it from my point of view. I carried these children and birthed them and got up in the middle of the night with them. I took them to their first activities and play dates. I stayed home with them for years. I was there to explain divorce to them. I let them scream at me when they didn't understand it all. And over the past four years, I have been the constant in their lives. I have never missed a dance recital, school activity, or parent-teacher conference. When they get sick, I take off work. When they need someone to talk to, I drop everything. I have poured my heart and soul into these children."

Because if they could try and understand it from my point of view, maybe they wouldn't be trying to change custody. Maybe they would realize how much damage was done four years ago and how hard I've worked to pick up those pieces and create a stable life for our children.

And maybe someday, they will. Maybe someday, I will look back at how hard this was and be grateful that it got easier and that the relationships got better.

But for now, I only have two goals: Be the best mom I can be for our children and keep my head above water.

Peter Got Married---I Got A Lawyer

I went private for months.
I shut this down because I wanted to erase all of the things I've ever written.

I wanted another fresh start.

And I tried to walk away.

When Peter started dating Tiger Lily, I lost myself. I tried to imagine life with her in it. Permanently. And then on Easter, he asked her to marry him with the help of our children.

And I stayed afloat for the kids but inside, I was dying.

I was asked to write a letter to the First Presidency for his temple clearance and got physically ill. And then I sat down every night for two weeks and wrote. Eventually I finished it and sent it to Peter's bishop.

And I thought that would be the hardest thing I'd do this whole year.

But 2017 has decided to be a bitch and slap me across the face a few more times.

And right before Peter got married, I was served papers stating that he was fighting for 50/50 custody because his new wife could help him raise our kids. His new wife. Peter has a new wife. And now they want to take my kids 50% of the time after I've poured myself into raising them full time while he did whatever the hell he's wanted for four years. So now that he's "settled down", he has time for them?

Needless to say, this summer has been hell.

I've tortured myself with "what if's" every single day. I've gone back on anxiety medication because I can hardly withstand the anxiety attacks that have ensued.

I've been present more with my kids, not knowing how much time I have left to be their full time momma.

And I hired a lawyer.

I know 50/50 custody isn't the worst thing in the entire world. I know life will go on if this happens. I understand there are harder things than this.

But for me, this is devastating---not only because Peter has been so uninvolved and apathetic toward our children in the past but because I have poured myself into them so much.

Motherhood is the best part of my life. The very best part. And I am so incredibly close to my kids.

And because of that, I just cannot imagine only seeing them every other week of their lives.

Please pray for our family. 

Please.

Parenting Alone

I never thought our divorced relationship would be this way.

I always envision us working together for the good of our family, striving to do what is best for the kids.

But this is nothing like that vision in my head.

I ask Peter to help out extra days or nights and most of the time, he's "too busy". He currently sees the kids 5 days a month and he is too busy to take any extra time with them.

Having his girlfriend around has only aggravated this problem. He chooses her over the kids constantly. He ignores them for long periods of time but then when he wants to pay attention to them, they run straight back into his arms because he is their dad and they want his approval.

But from the outside looking in, it's hard on me to just sit back and watch as he manipulates them left and right. It's hard to see how hard they take it when he doesn't show up and how happy they get when it's finally time to see him again.

It's one of the worst things to witness as a mother because their emotions are being played with constantly.

I resent Peter for the time he spends away from them. I resent him when he says he can't help me tag team a Saturday where one kid has dance and the other has a basketball game at the exact same time.

When I chose to become a parent, I did not sign up to do it alone. But here I am, doing it alone most of the time.

I'm so angry with Peter. So, so angry. And I just needed to get that out tonight.