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Excuse me while I let the negative feelings seep out.

Does there just always have to be something?

I feel good about my maturity and strength with some things that have brought immense anxiety lately. I haven’t let them get to me. I’ve done so well letting myself feel the fear without letting it consume me, and talking myself out of taking on other’s problems and anxieties.

But I cannot apply those same things that I’ve learned to my eating disorder.

I literally consider(ed) quitting my day job…for my eating disorder. Because then I’d have more time to exercise and control my eating without being around people so much of the time.

I mean, if that’s not irrational, I don’t know what is…

I’m about to get on a stage in two days and dance for the first time since having my two kids. There are days I can talk myself through this because I absolutely love being on stage and performing but there are also days where I cannot even fathom the thought of this.

I am not anywhere near what I would consider to be a goal weight. In fact, I switch between starving myself and stress-eating every damn thing I can get my hands on.

And the stupidity of this is not lost on me.

If I would just NOT eat…or if I could just eat smaller portions…or if I could just pick healthier foods…

If I would do ONE of those things, I wouldn’t be overweight. Or at least, I don’t think I would. But maybe I would…

I have a friend who is a Beachbody coach. Two years ago, in the middle of my worst addiction cycle to date, she invited me to try Beachbody shakes and I remember telling her, “Absolutely not”, because part of recovery was trying to eat like a normal individual---crazy/fad/strict diets don’t work for my recovery. But then I got to a point where I felt I was ‘in recovery’ but I was overeating and needed a different kind of help.

She offered the shakes again and I decided to try it.

And I hated them. They were so gross. I tried so hard to convince myself that those chocolate shakes didn’t taste like Pediasure but they did. So. Gross.

And that experience had me frustrated because if I could just ENJOY healthier foods and not feel like ‘eating healthy is a punishment because I’m a fat person’, I feel like this would all be easier.

Because that’s how I view food---it’s either a reward or a punishment.