Stressed Out

“Wish we could turn back time, to the good ol' days,

When our momma sang us to sleep but now we're stressed out.”

I think about those two phrases whenever this song comes on the radio. Because I often wish I could turn back time to the days when I wasn’t stressed out as much.

To the days when addiction and betrayal and honesty and my eating disorder and dating and parenting didn’t stress me out.

To the days when the biggest mistake I made was wearing the red shirt to school instead of the blue one. Or hitting my sister and my parents recognizing that although I needed a consequence, I was a 5 year old and I was still learning.

How come people don’t give you as much grace as you get older and find yourself in new learning situations where you end up making the wrong choice unintentionally?

Is it because people expect adults to ‘have it all together’?

Because I don’t think I know a single adult who has it ALL together. 

I've been struggling fiercely lately---mostly since Thursday afternoon. I didn't get permission by the right person at one of my jobs and although I thought I was asking the right department for permission before going ahead with what I was doing, my boss found out and was angry that I hadn't gone to her.
And she said some really hurtful things to me in the process.

Like I don't even know how to process the things that were said, they hurt me so deeply.

And ever since then, I feel like I've been in this fog where I dislike going to work (at a job that three days ago, was my favorite place to be) and I'm not sure how to feel better about it all.

I get that she thought I was going over her head. I even tried to explain myself and why I was sorry for not asking her instead of asking for permission from the person that I thought was in charge of this special project.

I think the thing that worried me the most was how low I felt on Thursday night. People have said hurtful things to me many times in my life and this wasn't even the worst but I found myself bawling and shaking and feeling utterly hopeless. I was up half the night crying and I woke up on Friday with a massive headache. I wouldn't have even gotten out of bed if the kids' therapist wasn't coming over at 8:30am (Why did I even schedule a session that early?!).

And since then, I've had this hangover feeling, this gray, foggy, messy, anxious feeling.

So I don't know where I'm going from here or what is going to help me work through these hurt feelings I'm experiencing.

But I do know that with time, it will get better. It always does. Sometimes quickly and sometimes it takes years but eventually, I'll feel better and this will be a small blip in the history of my life.