Dear God,
Why? Why do bad things happen to good people? Why do some people think this is all my fault and other people are telling me I'm being too hard on myself?
Why, when I try so hard to raise my children in righteousness and live a good life, would you allow this horrible pain and suffering to smack me right in the face?
Why can't everyone trust that I did my best?
I can't eat. I can barely sleep and when I do, I have nightmares. It is almost impossible to function and get out of bed each morning. The fear is ever present. The pain is debilitating. The anguish has made me want to die.
I begged my mom to raise my kids last night. I begged her to let me go back to Heaven or hell or wherever I will go because anywhere feels like it'd be better than here.
I don't trust life. I don't want to leave my house or try to be compassionate because it all ends up broken in the end. I end up losing people, ruining people, and getting hurt.
I don't know if life is worth it. I have contemplated whether You are real because I don't understand how you would allow this to happen to me, the single mom who barely gets through each day already.
I'm angry at you. I feel betrayed. I feel alone and scared and I doubt anyone would understand. I'm sick of being the strong girl who pushes through trials and wakes up with a smile on her face. What difference does it make? People aren't going to believe that I'm genuine. It doesn't matter anymore.
You've given me too much. You've tried and tested me to my breaking point and I am done. I am so fucking done. You knew I wouldn't be able to do this so why did you let it happen?
How am I supposed to get past this? I don't really know if I can.
As I lay here next to the two precious children whose safety I now fear when they aren't by my side, I wonder and ache as I think about what the future holds. The anxiety is too much. The anger is too great. The heartache is too painful.
Everyone says you don't make mistakes but how could this NOT be a mistake? And if it isn't, why would you let this happen?
I don't understand. I'm so hurt and angry and overwhelmed.
I keep praying that I'll wake up from this nightmare. This can't be reality. It just can't.
you are so loved my dear friend. I am so so so so sorry :(
ReplyDeleteThis post made me cry. Dearest friend, I can hear your pain, I can feel your pain through my computer screen. I don't know why you are going through this. I don't know why. I wish I knew why so I could tell you and you could move through this with more clarity and ease.
ReplyDeleteI want you to know how much I love you. I know you are doing your best. I know you are an awesome mom who loves her children SO INCREDIBLY MUCH, and that is one of the best things a mother can offer. I know you are an incredible friend who cares and loves so much. I know you life is worth living.
I've been studying the Atonement for the past couple of weeks. I don't understand why we experience the things we do in this life, but I have a firm belief in Christ and the fact that He has felt every ounce of the pain you are feeling. He knows what you are living. He knows it perfectly. I don't have much to offer except this knowledge and my love for you.
I hope you can feel how much I love you.