Hindsight

I've heard people say that hindsight is 20/20 and after this week, that seems to be the reoccurring theme in my head. 

Because in hindsight, I would've trusted myself from the beginning. 

In hindsight, I would've asked Peter about porn years ago.

In hindsight, I would've trusted other people a lot less.

In hindsight, I would've leaned on my family because no one else is guaranteed to stay in my life forever.

In hindsight, I would've started working sooner and never babysitting.

In hindsight, I would've realized that helping people could end up devastating my life.

In hindsight, my kids come first and nothing else matters, including serving or money or time...the kids always come first.

In hindsight, safety isn't ever completely safe.

Because in twenty seconds, your life can be dramatically altered. Twenty effing seconds. 

With my divorce, that was always a struggle for me. Because all it took was one phone call to confront Peter in a lie and he was gone, never to live again in our home. One phone call. One regular Saturday afternoon where everything felt normal. 

It all came crashing down in seconds. 

And in those seconds, my faith and hope came crashing down too. I have lived with a lot of fear since that day. I have feared trusting people. I have feared being good enough. I have feared being vulnerable with other people. 

But I did it anyway. I trusted. I love(d). I worked really hard to be vulnerable. I gave so much time and energy. And none of that changed my world from crashing again. 

And I don't know who I'm most angry at. Not myself. That is for damn sure. I have found my trust in myself. I've got that. But I'm angry that God would allow this to happen when he knew it would break me. I'm angry that my relationships were altered...every single one of them in some way. I'm angry that I was vulnerable and reliable. Why was I killing myself to be so reliable for others? 

The only answer for that I have is boundaries. I've always struggled with them. I would give and give and give to others before thinking about what's best for me. 

My heart is huge. Today I know that. I am confident in the person that I am. I know she did her best. I know she has loved and tried her hardest. 

And now it's time to stop trying. It's time to worry about my own family and nobody else. It's time to take a step back and analyze my priorities because they certainly weren't in the correct order and for that reason, I was burned pretty badly. 

So now I get to start over. I get to rebuild myself. I get to find out more about myself and learn to love that girl because honestly, she is the only person I can trust right now. 

And I'll do it. I'll figure out what that looks like. I'll evaluate how much religion and friendships and family play a role in all of this. I'll evaluate my time, my priorities, and my opportunities. Maybe it will all change. Maybe a lot of it will stay the same. But my goodness, it is time to reevaluate. It's time to stick up for myself and fight back. 

It's time to show the world that although I was buried, I will sprout up out of the ground and become the strongest damn tree in the forest.