It's been over 6 months since I received those final papers in the mail but some days, it just hits me all over again and I think,
"Really? This is my life?!"
And it is my life. I can't escape this awesome hell I've been thrown into.
It's 11pm. I was laying in bed an hour ago when I realized I had some online homework due by midnight and an hour later, I find myself at my blog, not sure what I'm releasing tonight but feeling drawn to this page and the safety I feel here.
My trip went well. As nervous as I was, Peter wasn't as much of a jackass as he is capable of being. When he dropped the kids off, he actually said how he feels like he is just coming to grips with how hard divorce is while I seem to be moving on and bettering my life.
The biggest part of me wanted to smile and say, "HELL TO THE YEAH, I'm moving on without you!!!". But there was that scared little girl that reminded me, "Wendy, you haven't acted on your eating disorder in days. You know you're gaining weight. You know you're not good enough for anyone. You were barely good enough for an ass hole like Peter. Don't kid yourself."
And although tonight I still haven't acted on my eating disorder, I don't feel good about it. I feel like a worthless piece of shit who was abandoned by her eternal partner. I feel like all of the good things I see aren't good because I am stupid and stupid people are undeserving of all things good.
I want to act out. I want to be the girl with the eating disorder who everyone compliments because she is losing weight and looking skinnier. I want to be the girl who releases stress at the gym instead of the girl who has been way too busy to get to the gym at all in the past few weeks.
But I don't want to be the unstable girl with the addiction. And that means I need to make this really hard decision to continue on a path toward punching Ed in the face and believing he is the liar that he is.
It is a really hard decision. I don't want to make this decision. I don't feel like I'm capable of doing it. And even if I am capable, I don't want to do it. Because I don't have any other security blankets around my broken heart. All I have is my obsession with weight and my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder which is stupidly out of control. The second I give those up, I feel a hell of a lot more vulnerable.
And OH MY HELL, I hate Hate HATE being vulnerable!!!
This life I live, although it holds some very rewarding and wonderful things, is really hard. It is messy and hard and I don't always feel up to the challenge of fighting against it. A lot of times, I just want to give up and throw the effing towel as far away as I can.
Because although tonight I sarcastically told Peter that divorce has been the best thing that has ever happened to me, that isn't true. He knows it. I know it. Our kids sure as hell know it. But we are all a part of this big huge mess that is a result of a lot of stupidity and really shitty decisions. We are all hurting and confused and tonight, I want to forget it all. I want this mess erased from my mind. I want someone to EMDR the hell out of my brain and take away this psychotic pain that I DON'T LIKE FEELING. But I doubt that's how it works.
I'm fearful that healing will take so much of my vulnerability and emotional capabilities and I'm just not sure I have that in me. I'm not sure I can become the person who is healthy enough to heal. I'm not sure I can open up to anyone---not even my counselor of TWO YEARS---and show people how much this hurts and how scared I am.
I'd rather just act tough and sarcastic and brave. I'd rather people believe the liar inside of me that thinks I'm just fine right now. It seems easier and less scary.
I can't be the amazing person everyone thinks that I am. I don't know how to believe that I'm actually her.
I am Wendy today and Wendy isn't brave.
This is what i was writing while you were writing this. Why is life so Damn hard? There are things everywhere to be happy about and appreciate asks enjoy not the last of which are my awesome kids. Yet, my brain wants my body to curl up in a ball and cry. Why? Why can I see love all around me. I see it, I know it's there, all the evidence is there but I can't feel it? I see pain all around me. I can feel the pain. Why don't I feel the love? Is my love receptor blocked? ? Is there a cure for that?
ReplyDeleteWhy can't I do and be more and feel better about my appearance & personality? Why does every little effort feel like climbing a mountain?
Brains. They're mean. At least mine is.
Oh girl, I love you. This is what i was writing as you were writing this.
And this: I'm sad. I'm so so sad. I want. Something. I want to feel beautiful. I want to feel loved. I want to be wonderful. I want to be his everything. I don't. I don't feel beautiful. I know I'm loved, I can see it but I don't feel it.
ReplyDeleteI feel low, worthless, harmful, like maybe I cause more harm than good. Like maybe I'm not good enough. Like maybe my efforts and projects are laughable, silly, wasteful.
I want to medicate everything. Shop or sex or sleep or drug my way into not feeling or momentary happiness. I've got all the ingredients here for deep happiness. I feel it sometimes, sometimes for whole days at a time. But there's too much to feel. There's so much good in my life I don't deserve. There's so much pain everywhere and I can't fix it. People are miserable and treat each other badly. And then they stay in pain and cry and show their kids how totally jacked up their lives are. And I can't fix any of it.
I want to be a light. I want to solve the problems causing pain. But all I can do is feel the pain and it hurts to much and it makes me sad. And I give what I can and sometimes I feel happy about it. And sometimes I want to stop breathing forever after.
It's so hard for me. Why is it so hard for me? Why do I whine when my life is so good. I have my sweet kids and I love them and I can't leave them it would hurt them more than having a sad mom does. Damn the sadness, Damn the pain. Carry on me. One moment at a time, doing what I can, being gentle with myself. It is enough.
Why! ? Why is it so hard? Why is it so sad? Why do our brains want to kill us? I have a plan. .. To sit in the rain all day
ReplyDeleteI love reading what you write because there is so much passion and raw emotion.
ReplyDeleteEverything is so hard. Everything. I feel like one of the things I'm learning about life through this trial is that life is hard. Living the gospel is hard. Staying close to God is hard. Everything is just hard. But, that doesn't mean we can't do it. You don't have to act brave or pretend you are brave. Just be you and lean on Christ. Because even though it's hard, He really gives us strength.
I don't know if that was just rambly. Maybe. I hope it made sense though. Mostly I want you to know that you are in a sucky situation, but that doesn't make you any less loveable. You are so beautiful through and through, and I am always inspired by you. Things are hard, and that is okay. Let yourself heal at your pace and see the beauty through the cracks as you go. Love you so much!