Another email came through containing a "Confidential Item" from the church.
They asked for a new letter because last year, Peter's temple clearance was not approved and he is applying for it again.
And I didn't lose my cool when the email came through! I sat down and wrote out my feelings and sent the letter within two days of the request.
Last year, I took 3.5 weeks to write the letter and it was six pages long. This time, my letter was three pages long.
And maybe I don't care if he gets sealed to her in the temple or maybe I kind of do. I know it's going to happen eventually. But I kind of wish it would've happened last year so I wouldn't have had to write another letter.
It's all going to be ok.
I was listening to a conference talk at lunch about how our lives hardly ever turn out how we imagined they would and how we need to trust in God and allow Him to guide us through our storms.
This doesn't stop the pain from trials. But pulling closer to Him rather than pulling away from Him is the key here.
And I'm trying so hard to do that.
I made a calendar of daily goals that include yoga and scripture study and journal writing, etc. I know I need to work harder to fight this anxious state I've been in since the court trial. I don't like the way I feel right now.
I want to be better.
I want to give the control to God because when I try and control everything, I relapse with my eating disorder and I allow my OCD to make my decisions.
So as hard as it is right now, I'm going to try and give up the control I so desperately am holding onto.
Now I just need to figure out exactly how to do that...
Monday, February 12, 2018
Wednesday, February 7, 2018
Failure
I told her in a pretty rude way.
She asked about my eating disorder and I sarcastically gestured to my body. Because if you look at me, it looks like I have not been skipping meals at all.
That was just a short 30 seconds of how my first therapy session in 18 months went.
And it was mostly truthful. Because just considering purging every time I eat doesn't count, right? And sometimes having a day where I don't eat or a day where I do throw up doesn't count, right?
But when I left, I started to actually assess the past few months and how often I have snuck to a bathroom after eating a meal.
I don't like lying to people, mostly because I don't like liars. So when I left that session thinking I might've lied, I was pretty angry at myself.
I'm usually pretty hard on myself after therapy. It's always been that way. Because if I could just be completely real and comfortable and open and serious, maybe I'd leave feeling a weight lifted off my chest.
I've had a few sessions like that in my life.
But they're not often. Because most of the time, I leave therapy the same way I leave MOST situations in my life---thinking of all the things I should've said or could've done, reminding myself how I've once again failed and acted like an idiot.
Is there a point in my life where I'll stop being so hard on myself?
The Catch-22 of all of this is that I'm capable of believing I'm a failure no matter which choice I make.
For example, if I eat a meal and don't purge it, I am a failure for letting myself eat and letting those calories turn into fat, which will inevitably cause me to gain weight and make me less desirable to a possible future spouse.
And if I DO purge after eating, I am a failure for giving in to my eating disorder and being weak and not fighting hard enough to be the best mom for my kids.
So no matter what, I'm a failure here.
And that just plain sucks.
She asked about my eating disorder and I sarcastically gestured to my body. Because if you look at me, it looks like I have not been skipping meals at all.
That was just a short 30 seconds of how my first therapy session in 18 months went.
And it was mostly truthful. Because just considering purging every time I eat doesn't count, right? And sometimes having a day where I don't eat or a day where I do throw up doesn't count, right?
But when I left, I started to actually assess the past few months and how often I have snuck to a bathroom after eating a meal.
I don't like lying to people, mostly because I don't like liars. So when I left that session thinking I might've lied, I was pretty angry at myself.
I'm usually pretty hard on myself after therapy. It's always been that way. Because if I could just be completely real and comfortable and open and serious, maybe I'd leave feeling a weight lifted off my chest.
I've had a few sessions like that in my life.
But they're not often. Because most of the time, I leave therapy the same way I leave MOST situations in my life---thinking of all the things I should've said or could've done, reminding myself how I've once again failed and acted like an idiot.
Is there a point in my life where I'll stop being so hard on myself?
The Catch-22 of all of this is that I'm capable of believing I'm a failure no matter which choice I make.
For example, if I eat a meal and don't purge it, I am a failure for letting myself eat and letting those calories turn into fat, which will inevitably cause me to gain weight and make me less desirable to a possible future spouse.
And if I DO purge after eating, I am a failure for giving in to my eating disorder and being weak and not fighting hard enough to be the best mom for my kids.
So no matter what, I'm a failure here.
And that just plain sucks.
Monday, February 5, 2018
When Weakness Feels Powerful
There is a familiar feeling here.
The feeling of my hands shaking. My head spinning. My knees weak. My throat sore. And my stomach empty.
How can feeling weak also feel so powerful?
That is the million dollar question. That is the question I've asked over the past decade and haven't quite figured out.
Control is a part of it. But there is more. There is a feeling of pride, of being strong enough to endure this hell to get the final outcome.
The final outcome.
I don't know what it looks like yet but I know I want it.
And I'm at a crossroads where I need this.
I need it.
The feeling of my hands shaking. My head spinning. My knees weak. My throat sore. And my stomach empty.
How can feeling weak also feel so powerful?
That is the million dollar question. That is the question I've asked over the past decade and haven't quite figured out.
Control is a part of it. But there is more. There is a feeling of pride, of being strong enough to endure this hell to get the final outcome.
The final outcome.
I don't know what it looks like yet but I know I want it.
And I'm at a crossroads where I need this.
I need it.
Monday, January 22, 2018
Post-Trial Anxiety and Forgiving Others
I thought that the trial verdict would fix everything. I thought I would be able to breathe. But that hasn't happened.
I think my body realizes it's safe to feel all of those traumatic feelings from the past nine months and it's all just been building inside of me while I tried to stay strong throughout the duration of the trial.
I doubled my Zoloft dose and I'm going back to my therapist this week. I'm trying to use the tools I've learned to combat my anxiety.
And most of the time, it absolutely works! Because most of the time, I have my children at my side.
But when they aren't by my side, my anxiety comes on strong---it no longer creeps in like it used to. It just hits me in the chest and I worry about my children and their future and whether they're safe and whether their father is manipulating them into hating me. And then I start worrying about whether I left a curling iron on and the house will burn down or whether I'll get in a car accident or maybe someone will kidnap my kids or maybe someone will break into our home.
Irrational fears? Yes. But anxiety is almost always full of irrational fears.
I chose to sit alone at church on Sunday because my goal is to soak up the gospel this year. I wasn't sitting alone to be sad or reclusive. I wanted to focus on every word from every speaker. So I chose my own bench, just for me.
And last night, after dinner at my sister's house, I opened up my brand new LDS Addiction Recovery manual that I ordered online a week ago.
I have faith that working through this book will help me calm my anxiety from this past year. And even more importantly, I am working the 12-steps to find forgiveness for my ex-husband and a former group of friends.
I've realized that although I've worked through a lot of forgiveness over the years, I am still holding onto that last little bit---mostly because I am scared that if I completely forgive, it negates all of the pain I have experienced.
I want to be free of the anger and feelings of betrayal. I want to understand as much as I can and then forgive them.
And then I want to focus on forgiving myself for not knowing then what I know now.
Hindsight sucks. But it's also beautiful.
I've learned so much through the eyes of "hindsight".
And I feel this responsibility to myself and my children to use what I've learned in hindsight to protect our future as best I can. Although that won't keep bad things from happening, it will help me to know that I've tried to learn and grow the best I can in the situations I've been given.
Anxiety is one of the worst things I've dealt with these past 5-6 years because not everyone understands the reality of a person with an anxiety disorder. It absolutely affects my every day life and most of the time when I'm acting happy and cheerful, my brain is sending signals of panic and fear.
And then when other people doubt me or betray me, it just reinforces the idea that I should be worried or anxious all of the time.
So I'm anxious and excited for therapy and working the 12-step program and growing even more.
My life is so full of beauty and I do not want to miss the beauty because I'm too busy worrying or feeling anger.
I think my body realizes it's safe to feel all of those traumatic feelings from the past nine months and it's all just been building inside of me while I tried to stay strong throughout the duration of the trial.
I doubled my Zoloft dose and I'm going back to my therapist this week. I'm trying to use the tools I've learned to combat my anxiety.
And most of the time, it absolutely works! Because most of the time, I have my children at my side.
But when they aren't by my side, my anxiety comes on strong---it no longer creeps in like it used to. It just hits me in the chest and I worry about my children and their future and whether they're safe and whether their father is manipulating them into hating me. And then I start worrying about whether I left a curling iron on and the house will burn down or whether I'll get in a car accident or maybe someone will kidnap my kids or maybe someone will break into our home.
Irrational fears? Yes. But anxiety is almost always full of irrational fears.
I chose to sit alone at church on Sunday because my goal is to soak up the gospel this year. I wasn't sitting alone to be sad or reclusive. I wanted to focus on every word from every speaker. So I chose my own bench, just for me.
And last night, after dinner at my sister's house, I opened up my brand new LDS Addiction Recovery manual that I ordered online a week ago.
I have faith that working through this book will help me calm my anxiety from this past year. And even more importantly, I am working the 12-steps to find forgiveness for my ex-husband and a former group of friends.
I've realized that although I've worked through a lot of forgiveness over the years, I am still holding onto that last little bit---mostly because I am scared that if I completely forgive, it negates all of the pain I have experienced.
I want to be free of the anger and feelings of betrayal. I want to understand as much as I can and then forgive them.
And then I want to focus on forgiving myself for not knowing then what I know now.
Hindsight sucks. But it's also beautiful.
I've learned so much through the eyes of "hindsight".
And I feel this responsibility to myself and my children to use what I've learned in hindsight to protect our future as best I can. Although that won't keep bad things from happening, it will help me to know that I've tried to learn and grow the best I can in the situations I've been given.
Anxiety is one of the worst things I've dealt with these past 5-6 years because not everyone understands the reality of a person with an anxiety disorder. It absolutely affects my every day life and most of the time when I'm acting happy and cheerful, my brain is sending signals of panic and fear.
And then when other people doubt me or betray me, it just reinforces the idea that I should be worried or anxious all of the time.
So I'm anxious and excited for therapy and working the 12-step program and growing even more.
My life is so full of beauty and I do not want to miss the beauty because I'm too busy worrying or feeling anger.
Monday, January 8, 2018
The Verdict Is In
Well, the "up to 60 days" took 24 hours.
That's it.
And on Friday, I got an email from my lawyer with the verdict.
And I shook while reading the first three pages because it almost seemed like they were going to change our custody to 50/50.
But then I read the very last paragraph before the judge stated our new parenting time order and in it, he said, "The court does not have faith that father will follow through with his promised arrangement based on the past." And I immediately began to cry because I knew they weren't giving him 50/50.
Miracles beyond miracles.
They gave him one week night on top of the every other weekend he had. That's it.
The new parenting plan states NO ONE is allowed to use corporeal punishment on our children. Major blessing since it truly affects our son's anxiety.
And I am feeling so heard and loved by my Heavenly Father who knew what would be best for our children.
2018, you are going to be a great year.
That's it.
And on Friday, I got an email from my lawyer with the verdict.
And I shook while reading the first three pages because it almost seemed like they were going to change our custody to 50/50.
But then I read the very last paragraph before the judge stated our new parenting time order and in it, he said, "The court does not have faith that father will follow through with his promised arrangement based on the past." And I immediately began to cry because I knew they weren't giving him 50/50.
Miracles beyond miracles.
They gave him one week night on top of the every other weekend he had. That's it.
The new parenting plan states NO ONE is allowed to use corporeal punishment on our children. Major blessing since it truly affects our son's anxiety.
And I am feeling so heard and loved by my Heavenly Father who knew what would be best for our children.
2018, you are going to be a great year.
Wednesday, January 3, 2018
Today We Went To Court
Today I woke up and got ready for one of the biggest days of my life.
Today I dropped my children off to a babysitter and picked up my best friend.
Today I did not eat a single thing before 7:00pm.
Today I walked into a court room followed closely by my lawyer, my parents, two of my sisters, and two of my best friends.
Today I endured an hour and a half of anxiety as I listened to Peter lie to his lawyer, my lawyer, and the judge.
Today I thought my anxiety might literally cause a heart attack because of the pain I felt in my chest.
Today I was called to the stand and found myself barely able to walk because of the shaking occurring in my knees.
Today I took a seat on the stand and gave the court my full name, the whole time trying to keep my lips from quivering.
Today my lawyer asked me questions and I felt the Holy Spirit fill my soul and cause my anxiety to dissipate.
Today I answered questions with confidence and instead of trying hard not to cry, I was focusing on not smiling at the people there to support me.
Today I defended myself and my beliefs firmly while my ex-husband's lawyer tried to put words in my mouth and accuse me of being selfish and manipulative.
Today I fought hard for my children.
Today I walked out of the court house, knowing I had done everything I could do to show that judge what is best for my children.
Today I was the definition of warrior. The absolute definition.
And tonight, although my anxiety has returned while I wait "up to 60 days" for a verdict from the judge, I feel this beautiful, sacred gratitude for my family and friends and especially for my Heavenly Father.
Today He was there for me on an extremely hard day. And He showed me how the Priesthood can work intricately in my life.
Today was filled with more beauty than I ever could've imagined.
Today I dropped my children off to a babysitter and picked up my best friend.
Today I did not eat a single thing before 7:00pm.
Today I walked into a court room followed closely by my lawyer, my parents, two of my sisters, and two of my best friends.
Today I endured an hour and a half of anxiety as I listened to Peter lie to his lawyer, my lawyer, and the judge.
Today I thought my anxiety might literally cause a heart attack because of the pain I felt in my chest.
Today I was called to the stand and found myself barely able to walk because of the shaking occurring in my knees.
Today I took a seat on the stand and gave the court my full name, the whole time trying to keep my lips from quivering.
Today my lawyer asked me questions and I felt the Holy Spirit fill my soul and cause my anxiety to dissipate.
Today I answered questions with confidence and instead of trying hard not to cry, I was focusing on not smiling at the people there to support me.
Today I defended myself and my beliefs firmly while my ex-husband's lawyer tried to put words in my mouth and accuse me of being selfish and manipulative.
Today I fought hard for my children.
Today I walked out of the court house, knowing I had done everything I could do to show that judge what is best for my children.
Today I was the definition of warrior. The absolute definition.
And tonight, although my anxiety has returned while I wait "up to 60 days" for a verdict from the judge, I feel this beautiful, sacred gratitude for my family and friends and especially for my Heavenly Father.
Today He was there for me on an extremely hard day. And He showed me how the Priesthood can work intricately in my life.
Today was filled with more beauty than I ever could've imagined.
Thursday, December 14, 2017
She's Moving
My best friend is moving.
The friend I ran to when Peter told me he was leaving me---the friend who held me while I sobbed into her shoulder and then drove me to the temple and stayed with me until midnight.
The friend who has picked up Peter's slack and has watched my kids countless hours for free.
The friend who is in my ward and has walked me through my confusing faith journey.
The friend who accompanied me back to the temple almost a year ago and held my hand when I started to freak out and have anxiety and convince myself it was too soon.
The friend who I spend holidays with when I don't have my kids because it is too painful to be around my family and watch my nieces and nephews make memories without my kids present.
She's moving.
And although it's only an hour and a half away, my heart is aching that I won't be able to drive two streets away and punch in her garage code and walk in like I live there (because I practically do).
And at a time where I may end up losing more time with my kids (because everything just seems to be getting messier), I am so scared to lose her too.
I spoke to God and told him now would be a great time to introduce me to my future husband. He hasn't gotten back to me on that yet...
The friend I ran to when Peter told me he was leaving me---the friend who held me while I sobbed into her shoulder and then drove me to the temple and stayed with me until midnight.
The friend who has picked up Peter's slack and has watched my kids countless hours for free.
The friend who is in my ward and has walked me through my confusing faith journey.
The friend who accompanied me back to the temple almost a year ago and held my hand when I started to freak out and have anxiety and convince myself it was too soon.
The friend who I spend holidays with when I don't have my kids because it is too painful to be around my family and watch my nieces and nephews make memories without my kids present.
She's moving.
And although it's only an hour and a half away, my heart is aching that I won't be able to drive two streets away and punch in her garage code and walk in like I live there (because I practically do).
And at a time where I may end up losing more time with my kids (because everything just seems to be getting messier), I am so scared to lose her too.
I spoke to God and told him now would be a great time to introduce me to my future husband. He hasn't gotten back to me on that yet...
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