Their Safe World

My children have been through so much in the past 3 years.
Often times, I've wished I could erase the pain and confusion they've felt as they've witnessed us navigating through divorce and co-parenting.

My youngest has been especially impacted by all of this. He has grown fearful of many things and often begs to just stay home with me instead of attending school. He holds his blankey tight and would suck his finger all day long if he could.

I know my son has ADHD. I know this. I have it and I see it in him. His therapist has mentioned it on many occasions.
And up until this point, I didn't think anything needed to be done about it. He's doing fine in school and I know how to parent him at home.

But the past few weeks, things have been getting worse. He gets kicked out of his dance classes almost every session. He has daytime accidents and cannot seem to remember many of the things I say to him.

Tonight I was at the end of my rope with him. I love him so dearly but it was an exhaustively frustrating day. I called Peter on our way home and told him I'm going through with the psychiatric evaluation to get our son the help he needs and he got angry and told me he doesn't want to medicate our son.

And a part of me gets that. A part of me thinks he's too young or that maybe I'm overreacting. But he gets in trouble all the time these days and he is starting to fight back and become more aggressive toward me when I discipline him.

Peter told me the solution is that I need to discipline more...

Can someone remind me why I even called for his advice? I should've known it was going to be asinine.  

I kept arguing and telling him that I discipline and he said, "No. You need to put the fear of God in that kid."
And my heart broke knowing that my son is parented that way at his dad's house.

I'm just not willing to parent that way. I don't want my children to be afraid of coming to me. I don't want them to grow up not trusting me with their hearts.

So tonight, I just sat and cried as I worry about the life my son will have, where he will have to struggle to pay attention or have friends because of the way his brain works.
I'm sad that this is a part of myself that I passed on to my son and now he will have to deal with his own set of challenges that come along with having ADHD.

I don't know how to help him right now or what I can do to protect him from feeling like a failure.
I'm not willing to give up on my little bubba just because his brain cannot physically connect to what I'm saying every time I tell him something.

I don't want him to grow up feeling like an outcast. My heart aches even considering that a possibility. I want him to be loved and accepted and understood.

I hate feeling lost as a mother. I hate feeling helpless and fearful about my children's futures.

I want the best for them. I want them to live in a safe world.

But they don't live in a safe world, do they?