Eating Disorder Reality Check: Part II

We filled today up with family time.
I think that's why I've been feeling a little lighter load than the other days this past week.
Even though I'm still not listening to my recovery voice and I'm still fighting the urge to break down, I opened up to my best friend because I needed a reality check.

And she gave it to me.

And I didn't much like it.

Because instead of telling me that it is wrong for me to feel the way I feel, she validated my feelings. And that should be a GOOD thing---we all love feeling validated, right? But in her validation, she told me that there are many men who go for the skinny girls, the perfect bodies, the impeccably distributed curves.

And then she asked me if I really wanted one of those guys...

...and although I gave her an answer (No...), I'm still struggling to believe my own answer.

What do I really want? 

Perfection? Is that what I want in a man?
No.
I want someone who is caring and HONEST and loyal and funny and outgoing.
But really, I'd settle for someone who is honest and who loves me.
Seriously.

But knowing what I want hasn't made this any easier. Because I'm starting to think that what I want doesn't exist.

I'm starting to think that recovery, or whatever you want to call the past year and a half, was a waste of my time because even the best of the best guys want skinny girls.

*****

This past year, I still turned to addiction. I was addicted to food. Much like the trauma from Peter leaving me, my immediate reaction was to turn to food and tell myself I didn't give a damn what people thought or said. And much like my pattern from back then, it was only a matter of time before I found myself overweight and feeling worthless. And it is when this break happens that I switch gears and give in to the purging.

I remember a friend telling me once that she didn't enjoy throwing up (Does anyone, really?). But the thing is, when she said this, I was smack-dab in the middle of my eating disorder hell and I remember thinking, "I may not like this but I like the way I feel right after. I like the control." I felt strong. I felt incredibly invincible.

When I woke up the other day and realized that this is a pattern, I was angry. And sad. And extremely frustrated. I want to beat my own statistics.

But I can also tell you on the flip side that I already feel a sense of control that feels highly addictive. I feel like I am working toward a goal to better myself.

I don't know, you guys. I really just don't know.

Some days, I try to fight my eating disorder and other days, I don't believe it is worth the fight.

And that's frustrating for me because every time I relapse or gain weight or believe unworthy thoughts, I start feeling like maybe this fight will never be over.

Like ever.

And I really hate that thought.