Tears

This quote showed up on my Facebook feed today. It showed up as tears were streaming down my face. 

For so many reasons. 

There were tears of joy---because I felt so much love from my best friend tonight. The kind of love that won't stop burning in my chest. They went home three hours ago and I still feel it. I still feel their love for me. 

We had deep conversations about the church. We talked about the Bible and my issues with our church set up and how much I love going to the other Christian church. We talked about my fears, about the hurt I felt when her husband told me I'm just being rebellious. We talked about love and how we will always be there for each other. 

There were tears of confusion---because church. Church wasn't any better today. Maybe I'm not allowing myself to be open. Maybe I'm listening with a closed off heart. But it just felt so frustrating and lonely and hard. I saw my therapist there---the lady I love so very much that I no longer see because I WAS DOING SO WELL. And I wanted to just sit next to her and unload it all. I wanted to pour out all of the messes. I felt like I was keeping a secret from her as she asked how I was doing and I told her I was good---because for two and a half years, I told her everything. Everything. It always started with me telling her I was doing good and then she'd look at me with her eyebrows raised and I'd tell her all of the reasons that it was NOT good. 

And as I end my day, there are tears of heartache---because my other friend is losing her husband to cancer. He has been fighting and it doesn't seem like he's going to win. And she texted me to check on ME tonight as she sits in the hospital with him. We've been texting since then...about so many things. Because she is scared. She doesn't know what it'll be like when she loses him. She's worried she won't be able to handle it. She isn't sure she is brave enough to be a single mom and go to church alone and raise them alone. So I promised her I'd be there. I'd always be there. Every day, if she needs me, I'll be there. And she told me the same---that she'd be there through my faith struggles. That she'd remember to check in more often (even though I reminded her NOT to worry about me right now). 

It doesn't seem fair that her two young children are losing their dad. It isn't fair that she has to watch her husband lose a battle he has bravely fought for two years. It's sometimes too much for me to comprehend. It humbles me and puts my life into perspective. 

And I have to set my questions to the side and just be there. Be in the moment. For her and for me. 

For all of us who are hurting. 

Life is full of uncertainties. It is messy and scary. 

Oh my gosh, it is scary. 

But I was praying the other night and I distinctly felt God showing me the GOOD that has come from some of the most horrible moments in my life. People who have shown up and just been there. Lessons I've learned that have shaped me into a better person. And I feel like this is all going to turn out ok. I feel so much peace tonight. I feel so much peace AND an overwhelming amount of emotions---is that even possible? 

Of course it is. 

God told me it will all be ok. I don't yet know what that means in regards to what church I'll choose or what my life will look like in the next year. But I do know that it means I will be ok, that I will get through these times that have seemed so hard. I do know that as I live each day, the pain from the hard things has lessened and I have started to focus on me, on my kids, on the people who are IN my life. 

And it's beautiful. 

It's going to be ok. It's going to be more than ok. It will also be really hard. But that's ok. 

Because I don't feel so alone tonight. In fact, I feel the opposite of alone tonight. I feel loved and supported and ready to conquer tomorrow.