Triggered

I. Was. So. Triggered. 

That seems to be the continuous phrase as of lately. 

Everything, from friends to food to religion to my goddamn scale, it's all triggering in its own uniquely shitty way. 

My friends have been patient but stern. "Wendy, you need to go back to therapy." But I was adamant for a while. I don't need to go back! I'm doing just fine! All I need is you and God and my children and I will be just fine. 

I will figure this transition out. 

But it isn't that simple. Because walking away from the culture I grew up with is scary. Maintaining relationships with people who have hurt me is scary. Eating and being too busy to exercise and realizing my clothes are tighter is scary scary scary. 

I haven't worn garments in almost six weeks. I have decided that I need a lot more time and depth in my questioning of the LDS faith. There are so many parts of me saying, This isn't right. This isn't where I'm supposed to be right now. It doesn't feel comfortable and peaceful. 

It feels like something I've always done because I've never really questioned it. 

How have I never really questioned it?

I didn't make an appointment with my therapist---my friend did it for me. And after it was done, I felt stupid. I felt like I should cancel because I am fine. Nothing major has happened. Nobody left, nobody betrayed me, blah blah blah...

But my excuses ran out as I remembered just how many things have been triggering me. 

And I remembered that I need this. That although I was trying to make excuses, I really should make a therapy appointment. 

So I'll go. And I won't go because someone wants me to. I'll go because I am trying to accept that it will be beneficial to be open about my huge life transitions right now. 

I started reading a book---an actual recovery book that focuses on recovery from eating disorders and cutting. I've read one chapter and I feel so connected to it. I feel like the author is speaking directly to me, about me, and for me. 

I hate this fight but I'm trying to do it. Honestly, I'm at a point where I don't want to, where I don't fully see the drawbacks of my choices. I'm at a point where I'm overweight and thinking that my eating disorder was the one thing helping me become a beautiful me. 

And then I wonder, did I betray the one thing that was helping me? Did I leave it behind last year instead of accepting it's help? Did I make the wrong choice? 

But everyone tells me that's the wrong voice to be listening to. They tell me Ed lies. And I try to believe them. I try to hold on as best I can. 

I try not to judge the person in the mirror but I really don't like her right now. 

I thought I was happy. I thought I was stronger than ever. But maybe I'm not. Maybe I never was. Maybe this was just a false sense of security that I developed during a time when things felt stable. 

I think the confusing part is that life feels pretty stable most of the time these days but then I get triggered and I realize I have not fully healed. 

I may be doing better. I may not see the pain from this past six months and crumble to the floor. In fact, I can clearly see so much positivity and growth that has occurred as a result of March 2015. B I'm also still in the middle of recovery. 

Maybe I always will be. Or maybe I won't. I don't have all of the answers.