Trauma Hurts

I need to write but I don't know if I have the words. I don't know how safe writing is. I don't know how safe I am. 

I don't know if I've ever pleaded with God to let me come back home to him like I have today. I just don't believe I'm strong enough for life. I just don't believe I am worthy of getting through the hard times. 

Everyone tells me that this is not my fault but it is. It has to be. 

The times where I've hurt people I love are the lowest times in my life. This is even lower than that. I don't think I'll heal. I don't think I can forgive myself. In fact, I truly hate myself today. I don't see how I could've ruined so many people in such a short amount of time. 

I am exhausted and I don't want people to worry about me. I deserve this pain. I did this. I wasn't responsible enough. 

They tell me not to punish myself. They tell me that prayer and support will help me to get through each day but I don't know. I yelled at God today. I yelled and screamed and cried and told Him this is NOT something I can handle. This is NOT something I want to burden the people I love with. I didn't feel Him. I was angry that this happened and that I did this and that I now have to work through another trauma. 

It seems like too much, like I am not strong enough to forget and love myself. I WAS ALREADY STRUGGLING TO LOVE MYSELF! And now this. Now I am cementing the idea in my mind that I am not worthy of life. I mess up everything. Every damn thing. 

People often tell you what you want to hear so you don't feel guilty and I know that. There's a voice in my head that tells me not to listen to their support. I'm back and forth. Sometimes I listen and other times the voice is too loud and I can't hear anything my supporters are saying. 

My eyes burn from crying. I don't know when I'll be able to get out of bed and face life again. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe never. 

For now, the only thing I could think to do was to write down some of my friends' truths on my white board and try to believe them. I've lost all of my own truths and today my only hope is leaning on the truths of others. 

I know I am loved. I just don't know if I deserve that love.