Surrender

Months ago, when I opened up about my faith struggle to a few of my closest friends, I remember one of them telling me to surrender to my feelings---whatever those feelings are. 

Since then, I've tried. I've taken a few steps back from the life I used to live and have realized just how messed up and unhealthy a lot of it was. It was unhealthy to rely on people who needed to figure out their own recovery. 

I've found myself thinking about that a lot---about recovery and what that looks like. I used to think I needed support groups for recovery but I'm realizing that isn't true and that a lot of my support wasn't healthy. 

I used to pick support group friendships over my friends who have been there since the day Peter left or before. I used to think my friends didn't understand me. And sometimes, they don't. But they are loyal and I love knowing that. I love knowing that where they are in their lives is a part of why they are my friends. God placed them where I needed them because He knew what was going to happen. 

He knew all of it. 

He gave me the tools I needed to figure this all out and for right now, I have. 

I find myself feeling anger toward the LDS friends in my life who have claimed certain standards but don't really live them. For me, this started as a young woman when the girls in my church classes bullied me. They were mean and it was traumatizing for me. I hated church and I hated Christianity because it all seemed so fake. 

And I thought adulthood would change that. I thought the pettiness and the gossip would stop or that I'd at least be able to easily pick it out within certain groups of people but it hasn't. In fact, it's been decidedly worse than when I was a kid. 

And yes, I've heard the argument, "The church is perfect but the people aren't" but you need to understand that I am not asking anyone to be perfect, I'm just asking us to show more kindness and love toward one another. 

I'm begging and pleading for us to stop the gossip and the secrecy and the judgements. It's ridiculous and I can't take it anymore. 

I can't take it anymore. 

Maybe being outside the LDS church will be messy but at least people are more genuine. At least when I attend Saturday service, I feel like they want to welcome every single broken and messed up person to come unto Christ. 

They don't make excuses for shit---they talk about it all. 

And I'm so damn tired of the excuses. I'm so tired of living a particular way to be "worthy" to walk into a temple when I know I can speak to God and be close to Him anytime, anywhere. 

I'm already worthy of him. 

And I always will be. 

I've felt a lot of anger lately as I'm trying to come to terms with so much shit I've been fed for so long. I'm so done with feeling like an odd man out. I'll go where I'm accepted. I'll be friends with genuine people, even if that means the number has to dwindle a lot more than it already has. 

I don't need anybody but my God. And I especially don't need people who act genuine but are the opposite of genuine. 

I'm over this. I'm over the mess and the facades and the pain. I'm worthy already. God knows it and I'm learning it. 

So if you don't know it, if you don't believe that I am who I genuinely claim to be, then this might not be a place you want to be. 

Because this place, this once completely safe and secure place, is not a place for hate or mockery or judgement. 

I have enough people who I know have my back. Some of them have held on as I've left the support groups where I met them and some of them have held on as I've left the church where I met them but each one, each genuine person who is still here has proved to me that they aren't going anywhere. 

And that is all I could have ever hoped for.