It Isn't Easy

It's hard to let things go when the past seems to be nipping at your heels.

Some days, I see divorce as a new beginning and other days, I see it as a messy reality---filled with hard decisions and memories that can never be erased.

I hated Peter last week. I looked in his eyes and I hated him---hated that he called me a bitch with our child listening from the other room, hated that he cannot figure out how to grow up, hated that I am forced to have him in my life.

I get really frustrated with the rollercoaster of telling people we get along pretty well to realizing that maybe that isn't true to thinking maybe it is true again.

It isn't easy.

But then I remind myself that marriage wasn't easy either. Sometimes I think I forget that. I forget how hard it was to feel alone, to have to sneak out of the bed and cry alone on the couch because if he saw me crying, he would get angry at me. I think about how free I am now---free to show my emotions, free to show my children my emotions, free to think for myself and make my own decisions.

Divorce isn't easy but I am becoming more of who I want to be.

And I try so hard to remind myself how worth it that is when I have really hard days.
All of the pain from divorce is worth it because my children and learning and growing in ways I never could've planned or imagined. It is worth it because I am strong enough to find empathy for so many difficult things in my life and others'. It is worth it because I have learned how to be a better friend and person, a more kinder Wendy than I used to be. It is worth it because I now know that I am a warrior and I'm positive that I can handle the things life throws at me.

It isn't easy---but it is worth it.