Return to Never Land

It’s a weird feeling for me to not be blogging regularly, either here or on my family blog or even just writing in a journal.

Lately, I haven’t been doing any of those things. I haven’t been writing anything down anywhere. And for my brain, that means I’m not going to remember a lot of it.

I’m not going to remember the feelings I felt and the things that impacted me in those little moments.

I want to be better. I’m trying to be better. But between school, 2 jobs, and 2 kids, I’ve been struggling to find time for myself, to do the things I love to do.

And maybe beyond that, sometimes it’s just painful to write when I feel so lost right now. Sometimes it’s hard to remember that I’m lost.

Because if I don’t write and I don’t think about it, I can just continue to live my life without those interior worries and fears consuming me.

I’ve been super anxious about the black lives vs police lives vs ALL lives arguments that I’m seeing all over social media.

I truly believe that God gave me a gift to understand heartache in many different forms and as I read the arguments being made for all of the different sides, my heart literally hurts from the pain that so many people are feeling.

So many people are hurting---not just one group vs another group.

And the problem is that when we argue against each other, we are minimizing each other’s pain.

When we’re stressed out, we tend to personalize other’s behavior. “They did this to us.” 

I've been on both sides of that.

I've been blamed for things I did not do.

And I have blamed others for things they did not do.

It's an ugly process and one that is hard to forgive.
Because if you KNOW me, you wouldn't BLAME me---right?

Wrong.

I think when we know each other, we know more flaws. And I think that's why it is so painful to be betrayed by someone we are close to. Because they know things about us that can really hurt.

I'm a mess of anxiety today. But I'm trying not to let that close me off from my relationships.