Please

I am the odd man out in a lot of places.
Places I once fit in. Places where I was once extremely loved.
I lost a lot of things, a lot of people, a lot of places. I almost lost myself. 

But today I couldn't shake the urge that I've been having to bring my blog back from being private.
This is scary for me. There are reasons I went private that were very valid and scary and real but this is my place.

This is my place. 

It used to be my safe place and I haven't figured out if that's true anymore but I hope it is. I hope that if you don't want to be here, that you leave. I hope that if you don't like what you read, you will walk away instead of letting me know.

I don't need to know if you like me or like my space or like my choices.

You don't have to like me. It might be painful to have you leave but at least I'll know. At least I'll learn and get stronger.

I never stopped writing while it seemed like I was gone. I don't think I'll ever stop writing as long as I live.

I hope that when enough time passes, the people in my life who don't want to be there will learn that they can walk away without hurting me with words.

I've endured so much in the past few years. I used to think it was too much but now I know I was strong enough to get through it.

I don't want my safe place to bring me anxiety. Please. Please let me be here and write my story. If you know me and you don't love me, please know that you can walk away without trying to ruin me.

Maybe it's because it just isn't in my nature but I've never understood people who have vendetta's against others. The closest I got to a personal vendetta was when Peter left. For a while, all I wanted to do was ruin his life. But that isn't me. 

In reality, I don't want to ruin anyone's life. I try so hard to be a good person and be honest and be there for the people that I love. It isn't always easy but it's something I've always worked hard to do---sometimes spending too much time on that.

I'm starting over and trying to fight for myself.

I have an eating disorder and quite frankly, it isn't going so well. Every day that I lose my battle, I lose a little more hope that I'll ever win again.

I've done it before but each time I give in, it seems like this battle is never going to leave me alone.

So if you don't like me or you don't understand me, please just leave me alone.

I need to be here. This is my space.